Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
