I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
