You're my little dorito
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
