my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
