OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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