wat bout pragnant strippers??
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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