this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
