So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
PANTIES FOUND
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