Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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