I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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