You made me cry and you don't even care
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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