I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Let's paint friendship bongs
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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