it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
