If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I have fence marks all over my body
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
