Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
