I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
