I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
