is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
