decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Text me some of your sweat
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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