Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
