mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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