i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
