that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
