New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
