she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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