meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
