I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
