she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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