He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
