I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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