i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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