saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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