I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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