No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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