God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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