Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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