Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
