yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
