I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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