so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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