Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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