Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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