I look better un-naked...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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