just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
