I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
