i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
