so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
