Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
