i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
