Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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