If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
