I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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